Reclaim Your Handbag!

On the 5th Jan 2013 many things changed.  I became a mother.  There was no more time for any of this..

 Don't tell me you don't have the urge to colour in sometimes?  Don't act like you're above it.  This is the best £3.00 I ever spent.  I'm sad I don't have time for concentrating on colouring inside the lines again.

 The blurry nature of this picture works to my favour.  I'm not very good at knitting but I enjoy it.  I don't have the time, or the attention span for it anymore.

I love tidying the house, pulling down the blinds and lighting lovely scented candles.  Now I am scared the scent from the candles will be too much for his wee nose.  Or irrationally scared that a candle will fall on him and set him on fire.  Goodbye cosy candles!


Two years ago, I was a very lucky girl and my lovely daddy bought me this...

Thats right, its a Mulberry.  Basque in its all holy glow.  I am not a label-y person but this bag is wonderful.  At first I was scared to leave the house with it.  I have never owned something so expensive and I was terrified someone would swipe it from my grasp.  I braved taking it out for a spin christmas shopping in Newtownards and I swear people treated me differently.  The only downside of this bag is that the all magical beauty of this bag makes everything else I own look shit.

When Joel was born my Mulberry no longer worked.  There was no room for purse, phone, keys, nappies, wipes, cream, changing mat, spare clothes and dummies.  I does not fit comfortably on the handle of the pram.  Oh no, I am not giving up on you lovely Mulberry.

This is a Ruby and Ginger Nappy Purse.  Isn't she lovely?  I love the bold print design and it's handy solution to bag overload.  You see, in this neat little purse there is a fold up washable changing amt, a container for wipes and space for 2-3 nappies AND a handy wee pocket for cream.  Great, because I never want to know the damage Metanium would do to a lovely Mulberry handbag.  

Look at the order it had created.  I am one happy girl.  What is the florescent green thing in the bag you ask?  My diary, I chose that colour so I am never stuck hunting in my bag for it.  I like order.

Back to work, done!

Did it. Went back to work this week. Turns out the thought of going back to work was much worse than the reality. 

It could have went smoother, Joel was up in the wee hours crying and fussing because he is teething. After 2 1/2 hours of soothing and shushing, a dose of nurofen and a nappy change the only thing that got him over to sleep was 4ozs in his bottle. He hasn't had a night time bottles since the discovery of the magical powers of supper on 12th July! My husband was great, taking the lead as he was conscious it was my first day back at work the next day but even so it was after 5am before we all got back to sleep!

  Joel usually wakes at about 6.30am. I had planned to get up with him and have some play time before heading to work. But due to his unsettled night he had the cheek to sleep in! At 7.30 I was ready to get to work but anxious to leave without seeing Joel. I decided to have a slice of toast and a cup of tea and if he still wasn't awake I would leave. 

I ate my toast and drank my tea veerrryy sllooowwwlllyyy. 

At 8.10 he woke -hurray! Phil hopped out of bed and the pair of them gave me a lift to work so I wasn't late on my first day! 

When I arrived at work I was disappointed by the lack of gossip, and soon realised that everything was pretty much the same. Same co workers, same customers, same stinky microwave, same issues being discussed at management meetings. 

I was nervous about returning to my job, feeling a bit lost as I was sure I had forgotten everything! There was no 'back to work' settling in period put in place, I was simply left to my own devices! But I buddied myself up with a coworker to shadow for a while as I got up to date with any new guidance and I was soon in the swing of things! 

The highlight of my first day back at work had to be when a coworker, an older man in his late 50s/early 60s who swears like a big sweary thing came to tell me there was a box of biscuits to share. When I turned from my computer to speak to him he had two Cadburys chocolate fingers sticking out his nose! I haven't laughed so much in ages. And yes, he ate them. 

The day flew in, I had two hot cups of tea, a relaxed lunch break and good aul catch up with everyone. 

Joel had a lovely day with his granda and I came home to a smiley baby and a big pot of carrot and chickpea soup with wheaten bread and cheese. Lovely!

Got this photo while I was at work. Joel sleeping on the swings in the park. 

Work has its perks! Hot cup of tea, drank right to the end. God I love tea!

My advice to all my friends facing the gloom of going back to work is that the thought of it is much worse than doing it! Think of all the tea!!

Back to Work Anxiety..

It has happened, August is here and I am due to start back to work ON THURSDAY.

As I typed those words my stomach flipped, swishing like a washing machine, and in that washing machine there are many emotions swirling about.

First, excitement at a change of routine, a bit like going back to school after the summer holidays again, and in the same vain I would like to get a new bag to pack my diary to be super organised and to pack my lunch - oooh lunch.  I am so looking forward to having a lunch break, a solid half an hour dedicated to getting my head showered and drinking a hot cup of tea right to the end.  It'll be nice to have a chat with workmates about, well anything!  It will be nice to have conversations about subjects other then the colour of poop and sleep routines and looking at the computer screen will be a welcome change from the constant loop of Baby TV.  It will be nice to get the brain ticking again too.
As I think about all these positives I am then hit with a wave of guilt.  Am I allowed to look forward to going back to work, does that make me a terrible mother??  Poor Joel's wee world is going to change, rather than being with his mummy or daddy all day he will have to get used to new people and new routines.
And then I remember, wait!  I  don't want to go back to work, I don't want to leave Joel!  He is so much fun at the minute and learning so much everyday.  He tries to clap his hands, he hold's up his arms and does a big gummy smily to say 'yayyyyyyy', he has great conversations with his facial expressions, eyebrows up and furrowed, cheeky smile and big wide smile. How boring will the day be without Joel to chat to!!??

Before getting overwhelmed by all these feelings and spiraling into a nervous breakdown I take a deep breath and realise that I'm in a pretty good situation.  How many mothers have the benefit of returning to work feeling pretty relaxed about the Childcare in place for their child?

Finding the right childcare is a difficult task.  There are a variety of choices out there, all of which I considered and none without its downside.

Day Nurseries
I am in a strange position in that my background is in training in the childcare sector in Belfast, and Belfast is a very small place.  I have come across some outstanding practice and some awful practice and the ghost of this awful practice has haunted any viewing of the day nurseries I have been to see. Day nurseries provide a reliable service and are open most days of the year. They provide solid policies and procedures and are regularly inspected.  They provide the opportunity for socialising with other children and learning to share.  A great option, however I couldn't seem to fine the right one to work for us.

Childminder

A cosier and more homely option compared to the more institutionalised day nursery but perhaps less reliable? What do you do if your childminder is sick? There is such a variance in the service provided and the prices charged I found it quite difficult to navigate this sector!  I am based in Northern Ireland so I found this website useful, NICMA. However the outstanding issue I had with childminders is the amount of time Joel would be spending in the car each day. Many childminders I spoke to looked after children who are a range of ages and spent much of the middle part of the day doing school pick ups. I don't like the thought of Joel being bundled in the car for an hour or so a day!

Perfect match

I found Joel's Fairy Godmother, I mean to say Gothmother. Tracey has just returned from maternity leave and has a lovely baby boy only 8 weeks older than Joel. She has stacks of experience in day nurseries and working with families over many years. The major bonus is that she is coming to us, she will be looking after Joel in his own environment and bringing baby Morgan with her so Joel will have a wee friend. 

Dad
What would we do without daddies? My dad will be looking after Joel one day a week.  Joel and his Granda have a lovely relationship, he is retired and has a key to the flat and so is almost part of the furniture.  Joel recognises him as one of the main people in his life and is totally relaxed when left in his care.  Any time Joel is unsettled Granda comes to the rescue, he scoops him up and takes him for a walk chatting quietly in his ear, he shows him his shadow, his refection in puddles, the birds in the garden, the leaves on the trees, he has a real calming presence.  Plus, the pair of them are both partial to an afternoon nap!

Things I will miss.....

Lazy days

Lunch time together

Watching him sleep

New Discoveries!

New Discoveries!

Things Joel will gain...

Lots of lovely Granda time

Granda will have to get used to boke!

A new best friend in baby Morgan.

Super Cool Mummy Club!

So I decided to be brave and invite the local mummies in for a cuppa.  Well I did it the cowards way, I added them all as friends on Facebook and sent a group message to save my red face knocking on doors.  

It's funny how much you go about living your life without noticing your neighbours. Everyone is busy going to and from work, going out.

I have great neighbours that I have got to known well over the past 5 years,  Jenny won't mind me saying that she's been known to be in my house in her jammies scribbling down the password to steal my wifi and I've been on her doorstep knocking for milk on Christmas Day!! Gone are the normal social boundaries, but isn't it great to have neighbours you can call upon anytime?
Jenny is very open about her not-so-easy experiences during motherhood and tiny premature baby Erin has thrived into a stunning wild red headed clever clogs chomping at the bit to start nursery school in September.  Even more amazing than that is that Jenny, who works night shift, is hitting the books again herself to position herself in line for her dream job.  This is a big commitment, a 4 year plan of study but did I mention that the lovely ladies on my street are all superheros?

Teresa and I have a very special cake relationship , I bring her the leftover cake from my house, she brings me the leftover cake from her house! This girl is like family, I don't even bother tidying the house for her visiting anymore! How Teresa EVER gets out of the house, I don't know, she has two beautiful boys under the age of 18months!!  Anyone who can manage that must be a superhero!  I know her boys and my Joel will be running about the park together soon and we will be sipping 'tea' (wine) from our flask watching them play!

Theres a lovely security in knowing the people who live around you and knowing that you can call on them in an emergency, although lets hope that never happens!
And then there are the other mummies in the street,  girls who I have not had a relationship with before but who I added to my tea and biscuits night invite in the hope to get to know.  As it turns out, these ladies also have superpowers!

Caroline I have chatted briefly to a few times as her husband taught me how to drive ( a brief experience before he packed in the driving instructing game altogether, he promises it wasn't because I was awful, I choose to believe him). Caroline had a beautiful tiny baby Phoebe only 4 weeks ago.  I'm secretly convinced that she has super powers as baby Phoebe was 4 weeks early and her husband had to go back to work very soon after she got home from hospital, Caroline managed to arrive at my house on time, NOT in her pyjamas and didn't yawn the whole time she was here, although I know she must be extremely sleep deprived.

There is a girl who lives opposite me and to be honest I never noticed she had a baby until Joel arrived and I was more alert to noticing other babies and mums.  In fact the baby across the road was nearly one when Joel arrived, until then he was invisible to me!!  I have never got speaking to Lynsey but Caroline extended the invitation to her also, after all, the more the merrier!  Lynsey's son is just over a year old and she is back at work.  I am due back to work in 2 weeks (*sob*) and I sometimes wonder how I am going to manage it.  Lynsey, in true H.Street superhero style, makes it seem do-able.

And mystery neighbour across the road had tiny baby Alexander just over a week ago.  I had never spoken to her before Joel arrived but one day while taking him out in his car seat she came over for a peek and revealed the exciting news that she was expecting a new arrival.  We have chatted in the street often since but I have never asked her name!  I invited her over for tea with everyone else that night but she never made it - and who could blame her - she is probably still in that stage where she doesn't know what time of day it is!  Hopefully she will make the next tea evening as it has been agreed that we will make an effort to make it a monthly date.

I really enjoyed having my lovely neighbours over last night.  It has to be said that our common thread is motherhood and we spent a good part of the evening talking about our babies and our experiences in pregnancy and labour.  We drank tea, and maybe some Prosecco and laughed.  The only downside is all the leftover buns in my kitchen....ahem...

 
Go on people, reach out and get to know your neighbours!  Its fun!

Bucket List? Challenge Accepted!!

Moneysupermarket.com have challenged bloggers to consider their bucket list, a challenge I have accepted as beside from the incentive of a cash prize, theres nothing I like more than a good list!

Recently my life has changed more than I can ever imagine, with the arrival of my beautiful baby boy Joel time has become more precious and priorities have been reassessed.

I have never been the adventurous kind.  I have friends who wish to travel the world, jump from planes and have successful high powered careers.  Not for me.  I have crossed worldwide travel off my list.  My husband and I went to Hong kong and Thailand for our honeymoon, an experience I hold dear to my heart but also a experience where I discovered that my pale irish skin cannot cope with temperatures above 20 C and mosquitos enjoy my blood.  Thats a tick beside travel.  Beautiful memories.
I have been invited to join friends skydiving, but to be honest I am happier spending my money on going out for dinner with friends, going home to my castle (my cosy flat) and snuggling up next to my husband.  I am a home bird, happiest surrounded by my family.

One thing I always said to my other half is that i wanted to see Paris before we hand children.  I wanted to see the Eiffel Tower, eat pan au chocolat and spend hours in art galleries people watching and painting watching.

When we found out we were expecting a baby Phil quickly looked up flights to Paris, places to stay.  But we never went, we had to create a 'Baby Fund' and plan to make our impractical flat baby friendly with a little wall moving!

It has to be said I was sad that I never got my trip to Paris and when Joel arrived I began to count the things I hadn't made time to do.  I remember one night a friend posted on Facebook about her and her other half sitting in the car half way up the mountain with a flask of tea watching shooting stars with a view over Belfast.  It struck me that I rarely did anything impulsive like that, and now when would I have the opportunity with sleep routines to stick to and the military packing operation that accompanied any outing.

But now my priorities have changed, My bucket list consists of memories I wish to create for my family.  Moments to look back on to make the heart happy and actually many of those things don't cost a lot!

1. Family holidays.  I want this to happen every year, some of my happiest memories are with all my extended family crammed in a house in Donegal or in a caravan in Ballycastle.  Days spent at the beach come rain or shine and traipsing back to the house at the end of the day exhausted, buckets filled with stones, cheeks stinging from the sea wind, wolfing down fish and chips with salt and vinegar and staying up late playing board games with my granny and cousins, falling asleep where I was sat as I didn't want to miss any craic.  These are the kinds of memories I want for my son.
This is a tradition we started this year, when Joel was 5 months old and where he cut his first tooth.  The reason it is on my budget bucket list is because I am a lucky girl with a generous mum who treated us this year.  This is a tradition I will make a priority and I will save a little each month to make it happen.

2. Spend more time outside.  We live in a flat with no garden but I want Joel to have plenty of outside time, fresh air and experience nature, growing vegetables.  I have plenty of park space nearby and a community garden within walking distance, theres no excuse for not doing this.

2 1/2. Conquer my fear of wasps.

3.  Make new friends.  A silly statement to make at age 27?  I have a great circle of friends but have always been shy.  Being a new mum has forced me to get out and about and independent. Last week I bit the bullet and invited all the new mums on my street to a coffee date at my house.  I'm looking forward to it, and after all friendship doesn't cost a penny but isn't it the most valuable thing? (True but a very cheesy statement that made me cringe a little writing it..)

4. One day to teach Joel to ride a bike, to have that moment when I am running after him keeping him steady and then letting go, and watching him wobble off, alone.

5. Learn to crochet.  I have a Christmas project in mind..

6. Learn how to use a sewing machine and how to quilt.  Sewing machine borrowed from sister in law, and signed up to a quilting class beginning 9th September!

7. Star gaze at the top of the mountain.

I have started to make steps to ticking off my bucket list, when you have a baby you realise you don't have a minute to spare and so I have no learnt to act upon my list rather than leave it to later.  And crocheting?  Well, I'll just have to find that elusive extra hour in the day.


And now for the extravagant list, well it still contains my Parisian wish.  This extravagant wish is on the back burner behind childcare costs, mortgage payments, car and petrol costs.

1. Go to Paris.  But this time the wish is different.  It includes a petit enfant Joel and perhaps a trip to Euro Disney.  


So Ruth, Aisling and Claire, I challenge you to complete your bucket list, budget and extravagant.

Drew Barrymore's clever words

Just a wee thought...

Having been on maternity leave for 7 months now I have conquered many new skills, the swift ninja nappy change to prevent pee sofa/carpet/clothes, rocking the 'boke on shoulders' look like it's super fly, multitasking like a pro and mastering the day time TV schedule.  I no longer slum it with Jeremy Kyle ( ok, ok, sometimes I do!)  but have discovered Oprah on TLC channel.  Recently I watched an interview she did with Drew Barrymore.  On 26th September 2012 Drew Barrymore became a new 'mom' as the americans say.  A little baby girl 'Olive' - such a cute name, and I think Drew has done a great job in putting motherhood into words.

'Motherhood is like having the worst crush of your life.'

Well said.  So true.  I can relate.
In the early days I devoted so much love and attention to Joel and got nothing in return.  When he smiled my heart fluttered, 'Is he smiling at me? Did he like that silly face I pulled? Does he think I'm funny!!??"
When he smiled at someone else I was a bit jealous.  'Why is he smiling for them? Does he like them better than me?'
When I was away from Joel I spent my whole time thinking about him, wondering what he was doing, to the point I was distracted.
When I was returning home to him after going to the shop I was so excited to see him, climbing the stairs to my flat a little faster.
Thinking about him makes me smile.

I love her description of motherhood, and I also love her lobster suit for baby Olive.

Cooking up a storm...

As I write this I am splattered in pureed fruit and veg, my dishes are piled in the sink, every bowl in my kitchen has been used and discarded across the kitchen counter and I am feeling an immense sense of satisfaction.

I have spent the the best part of this stuffy summers day, along with my husband acting as glamorous assistant, cooking and pureeing up a storm to feed my very hungry baby boy Joel.
I get great satisfaction out of monitoring all the ingredients that I put together and carefully cook for his culinary delight!  I love the enjoyment he gets out of eating my creations, his humming eating noises and his arms flapping when I am not spooning fast enough.

Current guidelines state that babies should have a mixed diet from 6 months.  I was determined to follow this rule, Joel was not.  7lbs at birth, Joel quickly shot up the percentiles and at 19 weeks old the health visitor informed me he weighed 18lbs.  Biggest baby on the street!  Milk definitely was not sustaining him and he began to wake more often during the night as he was hungry.  At 21 weeks I got the baby rice out!

Having tried and failed at breast feeding I saw weaning as the platform where I could redeem myself.  I researched weaning food and recipes and ordered books at the library, including Annabel Karmel, to be the best informed 'weaner' ever!  Yet again the world of baby information provided conflicting advice and a fair amount of scare mongering!  Baby led weaning or traditional weaning? How dangerous are nitrates? Which foods are most likely to trigger an allergic reaction? When will his digestive system be ready for different types of food?
This was one of those moments where it was necessary to take a step back from the information overload and use a bit of common sense.  My health visitor visited at 19 weeks, made it clear that she suspected that Joel would be ready for food soon and said she would be in contact between 6-9months.  The only advice she offered was to make sure Joel wasn't too hungry when offering his first spoonful.  It would be a new experience for him and if he was too hungry he would be too distressed to try the food.   She offered no advice or documentation on weaning methods or foods to avoid or include.  No sample menu was offered.  My logic is, if there was any information that was super important some kind of medical professional would be providing it.  They are not - common sense it is!

Joel has steadily built his way up from a taste of vegetable puree in the late morning to 4 meals a day.  No, that isn't a misprint, 4 meals!  Its been a process I've really enjoyed, despite the mess!

During the first week Joel moved from tasting a few spoonfuls of carrot or pear in late morning to having  a good lunch of vegetable puree followed by a few ounces of bottle.  Joel then progressed to having lunch and dinner purees along with his bottle.  By 25/26 weeks Joel was a confident eater and was eating 3 meals a day.

8am - Porridge with fruit puree, followed by 5/6 ounces of stage 2 formula.

11.30 ish - Meat and Veg puree, yogurt

2pm ish - 7 oz bottle

5pm ish - Meat and veg/ veg puree, fruit pot

8pm - 8 oz bottle

Bed.

Despite getting this mound of food, featuring a healthy appearance from all the food groups Joel was still waking during the night for a night feed.  Between 2am and 3am he was starving and would devour a 7 oz bottle!

It was my next door neighbour Jenny and my mother in law who made the same suggestion within the same weekend, What about supper?  My mother in law said all her children had porridge before bed and Jenny said her daughter took 2 Weetabix followed by 6 ounces.
That was a week and a half ago and Joel has not needed a night feed since.  At 7-7.30pm Joel has another feed of porridge and bottle and that seems to be doing the trick!  And who would deny him a supper, long been my favourite meal of the day, theres nothing better then a slice of toast and a hot cup of tea in front of the tv before bedtime.
I am unsure if this is a common practice in other families but so far it seems to be working for Joel and after 6 months of broken sleep I am glad he seems to be settling at night. 4 meals seems an awful lot and I seem to spend my day dictated by his intense eating scedule but he is a growing boy learning lots of new skills so he must need it!

Today we wizzed up;

Apple puree
Pear puree
Melon, apricot and pear puree
Summer fruit puree
Sweet potato, apple and carrot puree
Vegetable stew
Leek and Potato puree
Salmon, leek, pea and potato puree
Salmon, sweet potato and carrot puree
Beef and sweet potato puree
Chicken, apple and carrot puree

BEFORE

AFTER

Believe it or not we are celebrating by ordering in chippie food for ourselves, in fact don't ask me the last time I had a vegetable.  The wee brute gets it all!

6 months on..

My new mummy friend started a blog 'Sonny's Mummy' and it got me inspired to get clicking on the keyboard too.  I have been a diary keeper, a useful way of decluttering the mind but a public blog seems rather scary! Well today I am giving it a go.

My beautiful son is now over 6 months old.  He is no longer a tiny, scrunched up infant but rather a happy, bouncing, active baby boy.
Having all too quickly reached this stage I find myself glancing in prams and assessing the the age of tiny babies and thinking to myself; 'Aww, remember when Joel was that size?'.  I cannot deny that pang of jealousy when strangers coo over the tiny new baby in the queue in Asda rather than Joel.  Old news son.
However it is important to pinch myself, take off the rose tinted glasses and recognise that those new mums with the tiny babies deserve the attention and the fuss.  It is their prize for making it out of the house after only 2 1/2 hours sleep, constant night feeds, unexplained crying and entertaining countless unexpected/unwanted visitors.  I have no idea how I made it through the exhaustion, emotion and confusion of those first few weeks.  Life as a new mother presents many challenges; lack of sleep, self doubt, advice overload to name but a few.

Lack of Sleep
After 3 days of labour, 4 days in hospital, fighting a kidney infection and recovery from an instrumental delivery its safe to say I was exhausted, and having a new born by the bed side means no rest, no way!  I was very lucky and had my own private room at the Ulster Maternity Ward but the walls were closing in on me and without the support of my husband I was fading fast.
Nearing the end of my pregnancy I was thinking 'I cannot wait to be not-pregnant, to be able to put on my own socks, wear normal clothing - bliss!'.  Boy was that short sighted!!  I was aware that having a new baby would be hard work but I was not prepared for the recovery from the exhaustion of labour.  Normal clothing? Ha! My body was definitely not my own.  My poor swollen ankles wouldn't fit in any of my slippers or shoes to leave hospital.  The pain of the stitches meant that I struggled with tasks and movement.  On day 4 when my midwife said to me 'We are going to try to maybe look at getting you and baby Joel ready for home' my eyes filled with tears.  TRY??? MAYBE???  I NEEDED to get home, NEEDED the support of my husband.
For his support I am eternally grateful, he picked me up from hospital and transported me to our spotless flat and ushered me off to bed for an extended nap.  A quivering new parent himself, he put my needs first, recognised my need to recover and made sure I got all the rest I needed over those first few weeks.  I'm not sure if he realises the value of his sacrifice, without him I could not have functioned.

Self Doubt
Coming from a work background in childcare people expected me to be a natural and this expectation weighed heavy on me.  Nothing prepares you for the waves of self doubt that you must swim against.  For me it began when new baby boy Lucas was placed on my chest, I suddenly thought, 'Oh Christ, can I do this? Phil and I are getting on well in our wee flat.  We go out for dinner, drink beer, watch movies, I'm suddenly not sure if we are ready for baby responsibility!"
Joel cried and screamed the whole time in hospital and for about the first 5 weeks.  My internal doubter constantly chattered; 'Why do the midwives not help?  Is this a test?  Should I lift him?  Am I spoiling him?  Should I ask for help or am I supposed to know all the answers?  Will they judge me?'
at home Phil appeared to calmly cope with the new parenting experience much more than me.  I was pretty certain Joel hated me and I had no idea what he wanted when he cried and my hormones were all over the place.   I would eyeball Joel nervously every time Phil said he was going to nip to the shop. Help! When would I feel normal again?  Where was this unconditional maternal love and understanding the Parentcraft classes promised me?  Joel was stripping me of my identity and confidence and I wasn't enjoying it.
In the first 3 weeks I experiences some very dark days and I dreaded the thought of Phil going back to work.  My lifeline was a girl I used to work with who had given birth to her son 2 1/2 months before.  Her honesty and bravery in sharing her experience with me gave me the strength to believe I was normal.  Others find it hard too.  I can do this.  My conversations with Ruth were like a breath of fresh air compared to cooing family members; 'Oh isn't motherhood wonderful?  Couldn't you just look at him all day?"
 Ruth lifted a weight off my shoulders and helped me feel like I'm not an awful person.  I'm not sure she knows how important she was to my recovery and my mental health but I have made a vow to be a 'Ruth' and be open and honest about my experience as it could help someone else who is struggling.

Advice Overload
From doctors, to health visitors to midwives, from friends, family and strangers, everyone offered their two cents.  At the start I was desperate for people to tell me what to do and I soaked up every bit of this advice soup I was being spoon fed.  But it became too much, it began to contradict,  it didn't match my baby and I became stressed.  Its a cliche - but cliches exist for a reason - every baby is different!  There is no baby dictionary.  There is no harm in tapping into the experience of the community around you but I learnt to use my mummy filter and follow my inner instinct and gut feeling.
To my neighbour and close friend Teresa I am thankful.  Having had a baby just 9 months before, during my pregnancy I held her up to be mother guru thinking when this baby comes I will have advice on tap!  But when Joel was born, after an initial cooing visit, I rarely heard from Teresa.  Not because she abandoned me but because she knew the overwhelmed feeling of motherhood, she did not bombard me with advice like the others.  But Theresa never missed a call when I needed her and she always had her door open and her tea brewing when I needed.  She offered to pick up milk, had a listening ear and a reassuring 'I know, its hard' when I needed to vent.  Thank God for good neighbours.

When removing my rose tinted glasses and remembering the tough times I nod to those that helped me in my first few weeks, and those who continue to stand by.  Becoming a mother changes you and inevitably your friendships but I am a lucky girl with some great friends to rely on.  My school friend Laura was my cheerleader through pregnancy and has behaved convincingly interested in all sorts of birth/nappy/weaning details.  Catherine continues to uphold our oranges and tea and gossip ritual around Joel's routine.  Gemma includes Joel in all lunch dates considering my travel with him and pram accessibility!  Great mates!
Motherhood also forces new friendships from shared experiences.  Sonny's Mummy and I can chat for hours about poop, nappies, weaning without a flicker of boredom! We have genuine excitement in each others mothering milestones and slimming world achievements!
And where would any of us be without our mummies?  She is the superhero who makes sure I have warm tea and who I want to be when I grow up.
But my rock and soul is Baby Joel who at week 5 gave me a big gummy smile and made every dark moment worth while, and ancient history.

When I see those new mums with wrinkled babies and pass that pang of jealousy, I hope for them they have the support I had.  I hope they have Laura's and Teresa's and Ruth' and Phil's and more!  I want to lean over to them and, in the vain of the new SMA follow on milk advert tagged 'You're doing great', give them a reassuring squeeze and say, 'It gets easier, I promise.'